Last week was a very, very trying week for me. I had many, many dark moments. It's just the mourning process, i guess... There are strong times and weak times, and most of the time it's a mixture of both... In the movie, My Sister's Keeper, the dad explains it sooooo well. He says,

"Having a child who is sick is a full time occupation
Sure, we still enjoy the usual day to day happiness’s of family life
Big house, great kids, beautiful wife
But beneath the exterior there are cracks
Resentments
Alliances that threaten the very foundation of our lives
As at any moment our whole world could come tumbling down"

This is SO true for our family. Looks pretty normal and good on the surface... and it is, but it's always joy mixed with sorrow...all the same good stuff as normal families, but tainted with all kinds of ugly feelings underneath... like imagine having a birthday party at the edge of a waterfall. It's fun and beautiful, but you're constantly afraid one of the kids is going to run right off the edge to their death, and the whole party's gonna come to a devastating halt. That describes my everyday life.

And it did come tumbling down for me last week! Sunday was a gorgeous day for pictures, so I had a plan to meet Ashley to take pictures of Lucy at Table Mountain, but after a huge throw up in the van, all over the carseat, all over himself, all over the van seat, and so on.... I was having a hard time coming up with the energy and creativity for such a meeting. So, cancel it and reschedule for another time, you say? Yeah, well unfortunately this vomit thing is not so out of the ordinary... it's every day life.. if i canceled every time, i would be canceling ALL the time.. and I just get tired of it after a while....

Then, that night at bible study... barfed his whole dinner.

Monday rolls around. I'm already not answering the phone AT ALL, or intentionally making contact with anyone... because I'm feeling so beaten down by all of it..

But it's another beautiful day, so I text my hubby... "Gorgeous day today. Supposed to rain tomorrow. Paahhhlleeeeeessseee take us to table mt..." to which he replies, "Awesome! be home in 30 mins"

A nice springtime drive up to table mountain, just the four of us, what could be better, right?

NO.

VOMIT. again. in the van, in the carseat, all over the place.....

I just want ONE normal family outing. Just ONE.

why am i surprised?

and then a huge family fight...

and by now i'm thinking, you know i used to wonder why and how people could become alcoholics..... and why people got divorced.... but it's pretty clear to me right about now...

so i shut down for the rest of the week. i was so depressed. man, i can see why depression makes people stay in bed all day. it sucks your energy for everyday tasks... it's really, REALLY ugly..

I stayed up until the ungodly hours of the night researching eosinophilic esophogitis again, thinking I must be missing something... because I'm never going to be well unless he is well... and my conclusion? my son is allergic to eating and breathing.. nice.

no wonder i am a psycho-path.

I'm sure it had to do also with my anticipation of this surgery he has coming up on Friday... how it was all going to work now with having another baby in our house, and me breastfeeding still... and James being older now, and completely aware of what's going on.... and the frustration over having done this once already, and how it actually helped him tremendously, but then the cyst came right back. rrrggg...

ANYWAY, I'm better now. That's how i'm able to be blogging right now... i've been WANTING to... but you know..

in other news, i did the first birthday photo shoot with josiah that i've been wanting to do for a while now... here's one of the images that i used to create his birthday invitation... he's totally posing.




also, the patio is coming along... actually, it is almost done.. seth just has a few touch-ups to do along the edges to secure all of the pavers into place, but pretty soon i'm going to be enjoying a new oma swing on our new patio. aahhh, i can't wait!! here are some pics of the kids helping daddy and playing with uncle lance out there... the boys and i have been going out every day to hang out on it, even though it's not done! haha!!

no hands!

James, the construction worker :)