today was a rough day. lots of appointments, in and out of the car several times with three babies, a nurse, and a momma (yes, i still call james and josiah "babies" and probably always will) ... bright and early, an appointment with the regional center worker.. then down to chico to get a fitting for the new AFOs... then over to the health clinic to get james' oxygen levels checked... i was so glad it was date night and we actually got a real date night (which by the way, we haven't had in months!)
tomorrow josiah will be at my mom's (he has been going there every wednesday for most of the day) - usually wednesdays are a day for running errands and doing things that are easiest to do when i only have one baby with me. usually james is in school on wednesdays.
but not tomorrow.
tomorrow there will be no daddy, no cora, no josiah... just james, caleb, and momma...
that never happens.... and i'm looking forward to spending some quality time with my oldest love, James.
tonight when i laid down with him at bedtime, he was doing the labored breathing again, and i just held him tight. i started to imagine what might happen to me if i ever lost him.
i realized that it took a really long time for me to bond to that kid. i didn't have the typical mommy and baby time with james when he was an infant. i was thrown into a whirlwind of diagnoses, doctors, hospitals, surgeries, appointments, decisions (impossible, heart-wrenching decisions).... wheel chairs, walkers, equipment, vomit, more vomit, and another vomit, and did i mention more vooooomiiiiiittttt?
anyway, my life with him was a never-ending string of heartache after heartache after heartache... and the painful truth is that i just wanted the Lord to take away the thorn in my flesh. not really him, but his ailments... but to me at the time, they all seemed like one big hard thing.
and then he grew up.
i can't explain it, but when james started being able to have real conversations with me, and started getting his little personality, i mean i was completely charmed.
and i have realized so much this past year, since he lost so much function, and became sooooo fragile..... i have realized that i am not only charmed, but swept off my feet in love with that boy!!
and it is still a string of heartache after heartache after heartache... but there is a surprising string of sweetness after sweetness after sweetness there now, too!!
like, he likes to make up little games, like he tells me, "mommy, pretend to watch a video clip on the pretend tv... and then i will give you a clue, and you have to guess what i'm talking about" ... or, "mommy, i will tap a song, and you have to guess which song i'm tapping" ... or, "mommy, i have a show for you. can you wheel me over to the curtain, so i can do my show?" then he hides behind the living room curtain, and quickly moves it away from his face and does his show. he also likes Josiah to hide behind the other curtain, and then he announces his brother as "the first contestant" on his show.
he always says, "mommy, can you turn me around so i can see my brother?" and always wants to see what josiah is up to!
when caleb is crying, he says, "i think he needs me, mommy" -- and wants me to hold the baby up to his face so he can shower him with kisses, and feel his soft skin next to his.. it is SO sweet!!
for every heartache, i can probably think of two or three sweetnesses about him!
my dad recently gave us several videos of james as a baby, and we have been reminiscing about those times. man, it feels like a thousand years have gone by...
i can't believe that my baby boy is five and is starting kindergarten in just a few short WEEKS!
well, the rain is fitting for my mood tonight. tomorrow we are staying in, cuddling up, doing whatever james wants to do. i'm not gonna do much housework, or organizing, or phone-calling, or tending to josiah (since he won't be here) -- we're not having visitors, or appointments, or nurses, or grandmas, or anything like that... we're just gonna enjoy each other.
because life is short.
and precious.
and i'm just gonna soak in the sweetness!
The LORD is my rock,
my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold.
my stronghold.
Psalm 18:22
3 comments:
I think about 4 months ago we finally got a pulsox machine for Lexi. I LOVE it because her breathing can sound so much worse than it actually is but now we have a way to test instantly! Insurance didn't even complain because i think it saves them money since we don't have to run to the doctor all the time to get her O2 checked.
I'm anxious to hold James in my arms and hug his mommy. It feels like FOREVER since I've been there and so much has changed. I love you guys and I am praying that God will give you strength and courage to meet the needs of each day. Seth isn't the only hero in your household. I think you and James meet the criteria as well!
Nate likes to play in the curtains just like that!
I have to say that James has charmed me pretty much from the start. He is a joy! You also have a special place in this mother's heart. Watching you love your children has been a blessing to me. Your honesty is refreshing.
Loving you all.
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