Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33 NLT
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:24-25
It really never ceases to amaze me how deeply and widely (is widely a word?) DISABILITY affects a person's entire being. It affects where I want to live, how many children I want to have, what I choose to do each day, whether I want to work part time, full time, or be a homemaker, and the list goes on about five million miles longer....
Even though Paradise would normally be my very first choice to live, sometimes I think how much easier it would be to live in Sacramento to be closer to James' doctors. I have been thinking about that a lot lately...
I used to want to have a huge household full of children, but the challenges of raising a child with a disability has easily shattered that dream. Lately I wonder if we might just be done. I don't feel like our family is complete, but I do feel like it is full. Does that make sense?
Oh, the things I could do each day if it weren't for DISABILITY... I'm not even gonna go there...
I guess this is a good thing for the sake of my kids, but DISABILITY does make it impossible for me to have a job outside our home. It is a full time job and a half managing and meeting James' needs. And although the reason for me staying home isn't "meant to be," the act of me staying home is meant to be. I don't really wish for a career, but I do wish for escape sometimes :-(
i don't remember applying for or interviewing for this job.......
DISABILITY makes Seth and I extremely faithful to our date night, because it is a matter of the life or death of our marriage. That is a good thing.... I guess...
haha. i'm trying to find the good things...
After all, aren't I supposed to try and be a "positive person" ?
right.
This morning was one of those unbearable mornings with - if you know us at all, then you guessed it - VOMIT. And i found myself in the midst of my sin response again. anger. when will i ever get better? it seems never.
I tried to call my mom and seth in the midst of it before i killed someone, but couldn't reach either of them. i'm supposed to call before it gets too bad. right. ok, that didn't work, so i'm supposed to be the adult here, right? i felt like just taking off and leaving my kids home alone, but i had just a TINY bit of sense left in me -- enough to know that i didn't want CPS taking them from me. at least not josiah.. ok, i guess not james either.. but if they could take DISABILITY without taking james, that would be good. IF ONLY!
besides, where would i go even if i could run away? there is no where that i can go that will make the anguish and frustration go away.
so, i decided to put the kids in the double stroller and just start walking. at least that way i could blow off some steam through exercise. a positive way to get all the frustration out. that worked pretty well. i think i'm going to try and remember that in the future when life overcomes me.
i act like it's all about ME, and i know that is not the truth. The truth is that God promised us not smooth sailing, but TROUBLE in this world, and that my troubles are small compared to much of what people go through. A friend's sister just miscarried her baby, and i truly can not imagine the emptiness. people are literally hungry in this world, and i already ate more calories than i should in a whole day, and it's only 2:16pm. My friend is watching her mom lose her mind at the hand of "old age" as i type this, and from what i hear, she may be near the end of her days. And when i revel in how bad it is to be me, i almost forget how much worse it would be to be James. Even though in some ways it would be easier to deal with the pain myself, instead of watching my child deal with it each day. each hour, really. sometimes each minute....
makes me want to vomit.
but then again, i think i'm done cleaning up vomit for today.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:24-25
It really never ceases to amaze me how deeply and widely (is widely a word?) DISABILITY affects a person's entire being. It affects where I want to live, how many children I want to have, what I choose to do each day, whether I want to work part time, full time, or be a homemaker, and the list goes on about five million miles longer....
Even though Paradise would normally be my very first choice to live, sometimes I think how much easier it would be to live in Sacramento to be closer to James' doctors. I have been thinking about that a lot lately...
I used to want to have a huge household full of children, but the challenges of raising a child with a disability has easily shattered that dream. Lately I wonder if we might just be done. I don't feel like our family is complete, but I do feel like it is full. Does that make sense?
Oh, the things I could do each day if it weren't for DISABILITY... I'm not even gonna go there...
I guess this is a good thing for the sake of my kids, but DISABILITY does make it impossible for me to have a job outside our home. It is a full time job and a half managing and meeting James' needs. And although the reason for me staying home isn't "meant to be," the act of me staying home is meant to be. I don't really wish for a career, but I do wish for escape sometimes :-(
i don't remember applying for or interviewing for this job.......
DISABILITY makes Seth and I extremely faithful to our date night, because it is a matter of the life or death of our marriage. That is a good thing.... I guess...
haha. i'm trying to find the good things...
After all, aren't I supposed to try and be a "positive person" ?
right.
This morning was one of those unbearable mornings with - if you know us at all, then you guessed it - VOMIT. And i found myself in the midst of my sin response again. anger. when will i ever get better? it seems never.
I tried to call my mom and seth in the midst of it before i killed someone, but couldn't reach either of them. i'm supposed to call before it gets too bad. right. ok, that didn't work, so i'm supposed to be the adult here, right? i felt like just taking off and leaving my kids home alone, but i had just a TINY bit of sense left in me -- enough to know that i didn't want CPS taking them from me. at least not josiah.. ok, i guess not james either.. but if they could take DISABILITY without taking james, that would be good. IF ONLY!
besides, where would i go even if i could run away? there is no where that i can go that will make the anguish and frustration go away.
so, i decided to put the kids in the double stroller and just start walking. at least that way i could blow off some steam through exercise. a positive way to get all the frustration out. that worked pretty well. i think i'm going to try and remember that in the future when life overcomes me.
i act like it's all about ME, and i know that is not the truth. The truth is that God promised us not smooth sailing, but TROUBLE in this world, and that my troubles are small compared to much of what people go through. A friend's sister just miscarried her baby, and i truly can not imagine the emptiness. people are literally hungry in this world, and i already ate more calories than i should in a whole day, and it's only 2:16pm. My friend is watching her mom lose her mind at the hand of "old age" as i type this, and from what i hear, she may be near the end of her days. And when i revel in how bad it is to be me, i almost forget how much worse it would be to be James. Even though in some ways it would be easier to deal with the pain myself, instead of watching my child deal with it each day. each hour, really. sometimes each minute....
makes me want to vomit.
but then again, i think i'm done cleaning up vomit for today.
1 comment:
I was going to say I totally know what you mean about about the baby thing but then I realized I just totally know what you mean. There are some things you can't compromise on for the sake of disability...but there are some things you must compromise on for the sake of your sanity. I wish I lived closer so I could be your #3 call. Love you!
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