On Saturday I slept SO much. It has been a whirlwind since last Saturday, and my hubby has been so caring and wonderful. I am thankful. It was good to have a Sunday yesterday, and after church I did a lot of cooking and baking. I made chicken noodle soup, chicken enchiladas, sugar cookie dough, and the filling for my truffles. I was glad to have some motivation and energy back, and my brain, too! I am sure that the heartache and sadness and emptiness will sneak in at times - many, many times - in the days, weeks, years to come... probably when I least expect it - but life goes on, even though it kinda feels like it shouldn't.

Lyndsey wrote and spoke these words for the funeral, and I echo them as a description of this last week for me, as well:

This week has been full of every emotion I could ever imagine. I have been so sad that my sister is gone. I have been grieving about events that haven't even happened yet that we're going to wish she was here for. I have been in disbelief that this is even real.

Especially the part about grieving about events that haven't even happened yet. Seth and I are going to miss having her over to play Cities and Knights - Carrisa was our most favorite person to play settlers with. The "fabulous five" of us girls were planning a shopping trip out of town for my birthday in March, and now it will only be four of us :( That will be very difficult. What would have been Carrisa's 26th birthday in August next year is going to be so hard for all of us. Norah's birthday is going to be hard. Next Thanksgiving is going to make me think about all of the friends' thanksgiving parties that her and I planned together. The list goes on and on. I guess when someone was that much a part of your life, missing them is going to creep in all the time, in different ways. I am glad we got to have our friends' Christmas party with her on her last night.

Christmas. Wow - I've never been this unprepared for Christmas in my life!!!

Carrisa's death has spurred in me all kinds of thoughts and feelings that I've never really had before. It has reminded me again what the important things are in this life. Friendships mean a lot more, and I want to learn how to be a better friend - one who is there. Not just half-listening, half-heartedly loving, half-giving of myself -- but fully there. I think it is going to take a while for me to learn this. It doesn't come naturally for me, but I am taking to heart the words that I heard at church just one night before she passed -- from 1 Peter chapter 4:

^"7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. ⁸ Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. ⁹ Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. ¹⁰ Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. ¹¹ If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."

The end of all things is near. Not just Carrisa's life, but all things. How often I sit with friends, completely oblivious to their daily struggles and needs, to their hopes and fears, to their joys and habits, to what they are trying to share, and what I could draw out of them if I would just take the time to try. I am not alert. I am not sober-minded. I sit there, thinking we have all the time in the world.... I am not prayerful for my friends. I forget them. I do not love deeply. I am consumed with my own life, with my own thoughts, with my own desires, with my own struggles, with my own STUFF.

Lord, make me a "faithful steward of your grace in its various forms." Give me YOUR strength.

Eternity is in my vantage point these days.

Well, today it was back to the daily grind, with two appointments for the kids, one to reschedule that we missed this morning because James' OT ended up being sick, and Rebecca hung out with us all day, which was really nice. I have another appointment that I still need to reschedule that I am not going to be able to make on Wednesday, and I still have some phone calls to make about rescheduling James' appointments that we missed last Friday due to the funeral. I will be extremely glad to have the nurse this week as I try to prepare for Christmas, and for Sue to arrive on Friday to stay with us for the weekend.

For date night tomorrow, Seth and I are planning to see the new Narnia movie, and then Doug and Becky are going to crash our date night, and we will have dinner together. I am looking forward to that. Wednesday, I am hoping to get a babysitter for Josiah while James is at Playcare, so that I can actually finish everything up. I am extremely behind on Christmas EVERYTHING, so I need a whole day to myself for that, if at ALL possible!

Well, James is waiting to play with play-dough with me (actually, he will mostly just watch me make things, but it's still fun for him!) -- so I better go!