what could have been

i often grieve what could have been, and then my gracious Father reminds me why i can take joy in what IS. they say that having a baby with a disability is like grieving the baby that "could have been" -- grieving the loss of the "normal" baby. i have found this to be true, and for me it didn't stop at his birth. this last surgery brought the hope of more normalcy; namely: for james to stop gagging and throwing up (to name just ONE hope that we had). i knew that there was a good chance that this would not stop, though i was extremely hopeful.

when we came home, and he continued to gag and throw up like before, our lives continued to be full of struggles at meal times, bath after bath after bath, and the extreme emotions that i feel when this happens... one night, after a whole episode of trying to feed him dinner, him throwing it all up, and then us giving him a bath, and him crying the whole time, because he's old enough now to understand that throwing up is a sad thing.....i sat in James' room with him, rocking him in the rocking chair, and telling him what i think about all of it.

"why did we go through all that, James? mommy wanted the throw up to stop so it would all be worth it, baby. why did we spend a week in the hospital for them to cut you open and make you hurt for days and days, and why did we endure night after night of listening to your roommate cry in pain, and wake you up over and over again in fear? why did you have to go to that place where you're scared of almost everyone who walks into your room, and why did mommy sleep on that horrible "bed" chair thingy for days! WHY? mommy wanted it to all be worth it!"

of course james didn't understand exactly what i was talking about, and certainly couldn't respond... i knew it was rhetorical, but it was just my "fed up - ness" coming out!

what could have been....

at any rate, this morning i realized that i really don't want "what i deserve." i was a stubborn, selfish person as a teenager. i thought i was wise, but i was so foolish. i thought i knew what i wanted, but i was soooo wrong. i chased after foolish guys, but The Lord provided a very wise and loving husband for me, despite what i deserved. there are so many times, even now, that i can see how God has saved our family from foolish decisions because of Seth's wisdom. when it comes to business endeavors, big purchases, children, and other things.. i am thankful, because i should have been a foolish and selfish, maybe pregnant teenager, stuck with a foolish and selfish "boyfriend" and having no idea what to do. but my father saved me from "what could have been."

"what could have been" could have been a lot worse than i'm even imagining now... or at best it would have been mediocre. but God is not a God of mediocre, or of destruction. not for His children. and so i praise Him now for what is. For i am blessed beyond what i could have hoped or imagined. it's "what came to be" .... and it is good to be HIS.